Things I Say to My Dog on a Daily Basis
Up until a few years ago I had a ‘normal’ job – one with benefits, regular hours and plenty of people to talk to (aka coworkers). Now I work from home. I’ve adjusted pretty well, I’m making it work – but I’m pretty sure the lack of daily socialization is driving me a bit nutty.
Don’t get me wrong, Laika is a terrific coworker – she’s clean (unless MUD!!), she’s quiet (unless SQUIRRELS!!) and she doesn’t complain (unless BATH!!). But she’s really bad at having conversations. She just stays mute. A head tilt perhaps, or a nudging of my arm, but that’s about it. From what I gather she has no opinion on current events, the last movie we watched or whether or this post needs more gifs. (it could always use more gifs)
But does that lack of response stop me from trying? Heck no. I need to talk throughout the day, and luckily for me I have Laika there to listen. She may not be the best conversationalist in the world, but she’s the only one around during normal business hours. Here’s a list of things I say to my dog on a daily basis:
- Why are you whining at the vent? Is there another bug stuck down there?
- Please stop barking & pawing at the vent, I’ll check it out in a second.
- Oh it’s just a piece of paper stuck in the vent. I know, I know, it was making weird noises.
- Mustache isn’t really spelled like that, is it?
- Do you think this post need more gifs?
- STOP BARKING, IT’S JUST A BIRD ON THE MAILBOX. NO BIG DEAL.
- Seriously what are you doing? Isn’t it time for your afternoon nap yet?
- Why are there feathers all over your face?
- Where the hell is my pillow?
- Would you have voted to confirm Gorsuch?
- WHERE DID YOU GET THAT CANDLE???
- Why the hell does it smell like popcorn in here? (hint: it’s her feet)
- No you can’t have any of my candy, it’s bad for you. Sorry.
- Why am I so out of the loop when it comes to dog lingo?
- Hey, do you wanna watch the Careless Bork video again?
- Why is it dog eat dog world? Everyone knows dogs don’t eat each other.
- WHY ARE YOU ON THE COUNTER???
- Please get off the counter – NO, STOP. DON’T GET INTO THE SINK!
- Hey Laika, if you get off the counter we can watch some more Golden Girls.
- Seriously, are you almost done eating grass?
- Can we go in now? The grass will be here later & I need to watch Careless Bork again.
- Are you heaving? You’re going to throw up that grass aren’t you?
- You’re not going to puke again, are you? (hint: yes because she’s a dog)
- Do you actually need to go outside, or do you just want to eat grass again?
- I’m watering the new tree, not playing ‘super fun hose time.’
- OK we can play for 5 minutes, but then it’s back to work.
What Do You Say to Your Dog When No One is Around?
I know I’m a little weird, but I know I’m not the only one that talks to my dog. What do you say to your dog when no one else is around? And seriously, did they spray the grass with bacon grease this year or something? Laika just can’t get enough.